Day 57: Christmas, sadness and worship

It's been a while in between posts again, and while Bible-reading is going well, prayer is not as much. I still need to find that time of day where I sit down and talk to God without distractions, until it becomes a habit that I need, just like my morning coffee. He's really speaking to me through the psalms each day, but I know I'll grow my faith more if I dedicate time to prayer.

It's hard for me to feel sad at Christmas, but it can happen. A couple of years ago, just before Christmas, I went through a very difficult trial that broke me into pieces. I remember going to church the Sunday before Christmas, and everything made me cry. I spent much of the worship service trying to hide/wipe away tears. I was wrecked. I just went through the motions and put on as much of a happy face as I could muster although it was as transparent as Saran-Wrap.

God is gracious and has blessed me so much, though. He brought me through that trial just as he brings me through all the trials of my life. This God of Psalm 134 is the God I serve:

Come, bless the Lord, all you servants of the Lord,
    who stand by night in the house of the Lord!
² Lift up your hands to the holy place
    and bless the Lord!

³ May the Lord bless you from Zion,
    he who made heaven and earth!

The Lord who loves me with his unfailing love made the heaven and earth. Everything I see around me that seems so permanent was made by his almighty hand. The God who sustains this creation also sustains me, and not just in body, but in spirit. If we are God's children, the blessings flow onto us from Zion. What a God I worship!

And yet when I'm sad, worship is often the last thing I want to do. Corporate worship, anyway. I want to hide from everyone; I don't want to have to interact with people and put on my happy face. But do I have to do that? Would it really be so horrible to come to worship with God's people, to stand in the house of the Lord and lift up my hands to Him--in sadness? To be where I am and let people see that?

I'm my own worst enemy: So often Scripture tells us that one of the remedies to sadness is to go up to God's house and worship him with our Christian brothers and sisters, but that's exactly what I want to avoid because I'd be embarrassed for others to see that there is something wrong. And even though I go, I am not focused on God, I am focused on covering up my mood so that no one else can see what's going on inside me.

And I am pretty sure I'm fooling myself if I put on that mask and think others don't know that I'm feeling sad.

I'm having a sad time this Christmastime, but nothing like a couple of years ago. Thanks to God's keeping me faithful to worship him in his house each week, He's blessed me in so many ways through it and I'm on my way to joy. As I prepare to play piano at our Christmas Eve service tonight, I'm thinking about how blessed I am to really understand what the Incarnation was for; why we celebrate Christmas; why there will be pure joy at the end of this lifelong journey, and why I can experience moments of heavenly joy here on earth. God puts joy right in front of us, and while we can't reach it on our own, we can if we ask Him for a boost. If I can stop thinking about myself so much and love King Jesus more, I'll be able to grasp it.

Day 47: In the capable hands of God

Seventeen days between posts! Bad blogging habits! Oh well, this is not the most widely-read blog in the world. Last week I found out my son is losing weight. He's five months old, and should be 16 pounds by now, but he went from 13 pounds in October to 12 this month. It's been a bit hairy around here, having to feed him every 1-2 hours again. Blog posts have been pretty low-priority.

I would say that of the last seventeen days, I've missed four of Bible reading. I've been praying a lot more, usually in little prayers throughout the day rather than in dedicated prayer-time. Now, just as TV-tray eating isn't as good as a nice sit-down dinner, the same is for praying. But I'm getting there.

I have been reading the Psalms of Ascent and little snippets of Proverbs. How wonderful those psalms are, and just right for me at this moment! Despair and sadness permeate these psalms along with praise and encouragement, and although they are often about Israel's enemies, I'm just inserting my own fears and lack of faith into the 'foes' parts. They all encourage me to trust in the Lord. And I'm getting it.

I've been reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. What a great book that is helping me to understand how my place of adoption as a child of God means that all circumstances--again, all circumstances--are for God's glory and my good. Even the sucky parts of my day; even my hormonal mood swings; even my depression; even the trials of sharing my life with a man; even parenting a precocious girl and a spitty, fussy, weight-losing baby boy; even my difficulties in maintaining friendships....all of this is in His hands. And what hands those are. My God knows everything, He is right now sustaining and directing the course of all creation. And you know what? It's for my good! He means well for me. And if God's on my side, how can I come out of this with a loss?

So I'm still having my bad moments, but God really is working. He really is speaking to me in His Word. I feel His Spirit moving me to pray for others, for myself, to Him. I'm sure I haven't completely let go of myself, but I'm definitely loosing my grip on this world, my expectations and my insecurities so that I can cling to God instead. (I need to let go so that I can get a grip. Weird.)

So onward, through the upcoming days, the crazy, hectic, frenetic holidays. I'm in God's hands, and He loves me. I don't need to fear. Not one single thing.