Day 30: of shrubs and trees

{Last time I wrote, I mentioned fear. Today, I came across this post. How timely! This woman has a seriously disabled little boy. I'm falling apart at having a healthy one; I can't imagine I'd be able to hold it together in her situation.}

I've been thinking about changing my project. I have in practice, if not in description. My original goal was the read the whole Bible in a year. It's a great goal, but I need to work on some things in my life, and this has become part, or maybe is symptomatic, of what ails me.

See, Jeremiah 17:5-10 describes two people, one cursed and one blessed. And as I read the passage, I burst into tears...because although I want everyone to think I'm a tree, I am a shrub:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
    and makes flesh his strength,
    whose heart turns away from the Lord.
⁶ He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
    in an uninhabited salt land."

I trust in man (myself) and I make my own flesh my strength. It means I've been turning my heart away from the Lord. And you know what? I do have trouble seeing any good in my life. (I know this passage probably really means that good things won't come his way, but that's not how it hit my heart.) 

The next part of the passage just filled me with longing. I love it. This is who I want to be:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

I especially love the parts about fear and anxiety being non-existent for the one who trusts God, not men. That's something I would love to see in my life.

So part of what I am doing is to evaluate my expectations of myself. So much of what I am doing is just striving to be holy--and failing, because I'm doing it apart from His strength and mercy. And when I fail, as I inevitably will, I fall apart. My heart is lying to me and telling me that what God wants most from me is to be a godly Christian, to be more like Jesus. And I've been working so hard at that. 

But I've come to realize that I'm wrong. And that's why I'm tired. I need to pare back my expectations of myself and evaluate which are good and right, and even what my motives are. So I need to get back to the basics--an intentional relationship with God, where I look to him from day to day for the strength I need for whatever tasks I have to do. 

That's why my challenge for this year will be simply this: Read and/or meditate on God's Word a few times each day, and pray to Him each day.  There may be days where I can't find the time to sit and read a big chunk of Scripture. Maybe on those days, I will find my strength in meditating on one verse or short passage, or singing His Words to myself in Bible songs or Psalms. And if I let those words sink in and feed my soul, I will be that tree planted by the water. That's much better than a perfunctory reading of a big section of the Bible that's done out of an outward behavioural expectation.

So that's my new adjustment. My One-year Bible might take me a few years. I'm going to start by reading the Psalms and Proverbs portions of that Bible. 

I'm learning that sometimes my expectations may seem good, but they are really all about the externals, and that's not good. God isn't glorified in that. I want my goodness, my Christ-likeness, to flow out from a heart that is resting in His promises and His daily mercies. Then I'll be that tree with roots spread out, that never fears and is never anxious. What a glorious picture.